two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize