Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
