i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
