It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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