how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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