i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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