sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
