I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
