I must be too annoying 4 u.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
