the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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