he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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