She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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