I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
