you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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