I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
