Pants 0. Shit 1.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I can't turn off my feet"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
