My underwear smells like fireworks.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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