I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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