i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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