Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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