conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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