Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize