The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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