you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
