Jerry, you need to find god
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize