he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
