how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
