I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize