Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
