ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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