Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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