Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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