Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
