I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
