I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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