OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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