??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I looked at my own cervix.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
