You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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