we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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