so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it's like iHOP with fire
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
