I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
