She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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