Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize