He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
