I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
