I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
