Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
