His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
