I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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