You really coming over, don't trick.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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