I'm so fucking centered right now
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
