Acid is not a monday night drug
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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