The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
