Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
