Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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