I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
