if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
