You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
