It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
