I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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