sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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