Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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