Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
