How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
