Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
