Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
