I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
