I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
