people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
