Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
