Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
