i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize