tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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